A wise man once told me that the best way to ensure we keep moving forward is to minimize obstacles.

The same wise man encourages capitalizing on strengths, and delegating weaknesses to others.

And here I am.

Facing another obstacle, that’s in my head, yet it’s an obstacle nonetheless.

I was supposed to be out of my house on the first. Ten days ago. The plan was to stay with a friend—a return of the favor when he went through his divorce five years ago.

Although, two years ago, I did stay with the same friend for a few weeks. The circumstances were different then: I was escaping someone I’d allowed to invade my home. That tactic worked, as she fled my house, and her loneliness, and I was able to return.

Apparently, not everyone can be alone with themselves.

This time? I am not looking to escape. I am looking to move on. I am also a baller on a budget.

My friend decided it was appropriate to pay a nominal rent while staying with him in his home this time. Nominal, but enough to sting.

So I stalled.

Not to sound ungrateful for the opportunity, but the last thing I want to do is flee my solitude to PAY for the PRIVILEGE of having a roommate. No. Thank. You.

Especially when I can pay half again as much and rent a shitbox studio.

So, why do I sound ungrateful? Why do visions of my grifting step-sister flash through my head? Why do I feel guilty, as if I’m looking for a handout?

Is there a difference between a handout and a favor anyway?

Unlike this friend, I crave my solitude. I am less alone when I am alone.

So I stalled.

And here I am. Ten days late. I have to get out of this house if I want to move on with my life. Yet I don’t want to pay a mortgage on the house plus utilities, on top of rent plus utilities with a roommate—effectively abandoning my solitude.

By presenting me with the idea of rent + roommates, it suddenly became cheaper and more desirable to stay put. And piss everyone around me off. And appear to be stuck. Yes, it’s designed to be temporary. Also yes, I perceive this as hemorrhaging money... money I don’t have much of while transitioning anyway.

Why do I feel taken advantage of? I know money makes the world go round. Or maybe I feel like a chump, for NOT taking advantage of my friend’s divorce?

It feels like I’m PAYING to GIVE UP my SOLITUDE. My solitude. The one thing that brings me the most joy.

I suppose I’d make a piss poor stoic. Or maybe not?

Maybe I have chosen the shit sandwich I prefer? While seeking a third option... after all, if I’m going to have to pay rent, why not keep the solitude?

What i'm listening to:

Move Away
Culture Club
From Luxury to Heartache