Monday, August 7, 2006, 2:20 pm

Everytime i'm down, i think it defines a new normal for me. I'm just starting to wish i'd hit rock bottom so i'd have nowhere to go but up.

Bleah!

Anyway, i had a very enlightening, yet brutally honest conversation with A yesterday. She didn't speculate too much on C's reasons for the split, but she did give me every reason why i can never win her back...

Why there is no such thing as winning a girl back.

So, it appears i was right all along... i bring all of this on myself. I need to learn to stop thinking... and absolutely not speaking what's on my mind!

I need to take responsibility for what's wrong in my life. There isn't much right, so i suppose now is as good a time to devote myself to rebuilding as any. Kind of the catch-22: i hate being so lonely, but i cannot concentrate on the loneliness until i fix what else is wrong with me.

Today, i keep thinking of mine and C's last face-to-face conversation... i cannot help wondering if i'd made the comment that A was better off without me.

And now C is better off without me... and according to A, doesn't even think about me.

At all.

Just when i thought i knew what devastation was... now i'm absolutely devastated because C is gone.

Forever.

And i'm not even in a state of mind where i can correct anything. I have to learn to do things for myself... both A and C have said this.

Is it so wrong to enjoy doing things for my loved ones? I suppose it is if i lose myself in the process... which i've done both times.

So much for being myself, eh? That is something i will have to change. I'll have to hold myself accountable for pushing her into the arms of someone else.

If i truly love someone, i will push them away... it is my lot in life.

Unless i change. But where do i even begin?

Next week i'll be getting away. I don't even know where i'll go, that's not important... but i'll need to focus on what i want to do with my life. As long as i am this unhappy... life just isn't worth living.

I need to make it worth living... i need to make myself worth loving again.

Where did it all go wrong?

Thank you for the butt-chewing last night, A. I suppose i needed to hear it from someone... i just wish i knew how to fix me. For me. When all i can think about is her.

My God, i'm going to turn into a bad country music writer...

But is it SO wrong for her to make me so happy when we are together? I guess i need to learn where these lines are and which side to stay on... i still have so much to figure out.

C has become the master... and i the student, and she will never need me or think of me again. After thinking of me for almost the entirety of ten years... it is all gone. Everything... meaningless. All i can do is let it die, and hope something rises from the ashes i can rebuild my soul with.

Maybe they are all better off without me.