I’ll never forget how much you cared. You were the only one who checked in on me.

Hell, I didn’t even care. Maybe that’s the problem.

And now. You’re gone. There are hints on the socials that you still care, but you are careful to hide them.

And now. There is another. She cares. She checks in on me—even when I don’t care about myself. Yes, maybe that’s the problem.

Like you, she’s beautiful. And charming. And fascinating. And crazy smart. And she’ll leave some day. And that keeps me guarded against her.

And it’s hard to care about someone who doesn’t care about himself.

Yes. Maybe I’m the problem. And that’s fine. And once again, I will say goodbye to the one who knows me best. And slink back into the shadows. Where I belong.

I enjoy my solitude. I really do.

Buuut…

Never have I ever felt so alone.

I really like(d) you. I enjoy your perspective. Your insights.

And now I’ve made a big mistake. And you’re gone. And I’m alone.

I guess I don’t learn.

What i'm listening to:

Would?
Alice in Chains
Dirt

Last night, we talked as we always do. For about an hour. We’re a million miles apart, so it’s all we have. The highlight of the day.

And the thunderstorms were approaching Kansas City. You were looking forward to them, and the sound sleep they bring.

Then you did the thing. You put the phone out on the balcony. And shared the thunderstorm with me.

We listened to the storm. Together.

It was the littlest thing. Yet it meant the most. I am so incredibly grateful for you.

Some days, I wonder if everything I do is wrong. Or everything I know. It wouldn’t surprise me if it’s both.

I am making strides in the right direction. Awareness is curative, right? Being aware of old patterns helps deflect them, right?

Take, for instance, women… because why not?

I want women in my life. Naturally. And while I adore the women currently in my life, only one or two actually have the means to respond immediately to join me on my whims.

To spend a week naked in a Marriott bed. Or to fly to Ibiza. Or to backpack across the Carpathian mountains. Or the Adirondacks. Or to simply sip Mai Tais on a beach in the Caribbean for three days.

Yet, perhaps there is power in this awareness as well. And this budding realization that the universe will provide… if only we ask and meet it part way.

Manifestation. Women of means and a desire to travel the world cannot resist me!

Wait, let’s rewrite that. “Cannot resist” is confusing. What is a powerful antonym for resist?

How is this?

I am irresistible to women of means with a desire to travel the world.

Wait, even better…

Women of means and a desire to travel are compelled to join me on adventures.

On a similar note, how powerful is it to realize that one (you, I) can eject from our lives in an instant? Simply walk away from those women, jobs, lives.

Are there consequences? Certainly. Do we get trapped in the agony of overthinking consequences BEFORE we act? Certainly. Yet the power is there.

And it is calling.

What if the universe will help us mitigate these consequences… if we only meet it part way. Maybe not even halfway. We just need to make the effort to turn the ship towards the life we want. I want. And the water and the wind will do the rest.

Food for thought. Food for action. Nothing is permanent. Nothing should be. Incredible.

What i'm listening to:

Sailing
Christopher Cross
Christopher Cross

There’s this one girl...

She is stunning. She is smart. She is fit. And she’s an inspiration.

Okay, I barely know her. She modeled for me nearly a decade ago. And she looked fantastic in that green bikini. Most of all, I recall those abs.

Oh, she was also a drink slinger at a bar I used to frequent. Those were the days!

Fast forward to today. She’s a successful entrepreneur. Living her best life. Moving to San Diego with a second home in Kansas City—one she uses as a top tier AirBnB when she isn’t staying there.

And good for her! She hustles. She doesn’t let emotion cloud her decision-making process (too much). Honestly, her life is the inspiration for what I want! A true example of manifestation! And she’ll be the first to tell you to focus on the positive and dismiss the negative.

Admittedly, I don’t know much, yet I am starting to see the value in surrounding yourself with the right people. Yet, there’s a slight paradox my overthinking mind doesn’t hesitate to reveal to me—nearly instantly. If she is surrounding herself with the right people, and I am not yet “the right people,” and still struggling with stupid, stupid minutiae, then why would she want to mentor me?

How does one encourage someone to mentor himself, without convincing? How does one make this leap? Is positive manifestation enough to cross the chasm?

Can an old dog learn a few new tricks? And obtain that rich life he deserves?

You know what? This is my year. Let’s find out!

Obligation is a sin, but commitment is beautiful.

After many moons of floundering, I’m finally getting the ship turned around. I’m back on course. Or getting there.

They say hesitation will kill you. They are not wrong. It nearly killed me. I’ve learned one needs purpose. As glorious as it may feel, in the moment, to stay in bed—all day, the inactivity can be addicting. And maddening. Which provided me a glimpse of why too much “self care” is bad, and creates people you never see again. And eventually saps the motivation to do something relatively effortless, and potentially leisure enabling, like writing.

Ten pages become five. Five become one. One page becomes 300 words. Then 100. Then... well, I’ll do it tomorrow. Or Sunday. Or in September.

Reenter intention, stage left.

Okay, jackass. You have so many great ideas. And this book is going to be fucking brilliant! A modest seller, at least. It will enable you to buy that house you’re eyeing that goes on sale next month.

But...

You haven’t been working enough. You’re out of cash. And you no longer want to be where you’re at.

So, now it’s time for a second job. Positive cashflow. This poor writer narrative isn’t working for you. It may make you better, funnier, and more authentic, but it’s beginning to piss a lot of people off.

Finding something that isn’t an “obligation,” can be challenging, but I think I have found it. It was billed as “freedom.” And I believe that. Part time, with a lot of windshield therapy. Time to think. Time to take notes. Time to commit. Time to set goals.

As such, I am committing to walking away from my current situation on October 1, 2022. I don’t know what that looks like beyond that. All I know is I no longer want to live where I am living. A summer home in the north woods would be nice, even a permanent home; but travel is calling again. And those glorious Marriott beds.

So, it’ll be a summer of work, and limited travel. A means to an end.

What i'm listening to:

My 16th Apology
Shakespear's Sister
Hormonally Yours

Let’s call this a great experiment. A study of awareness. And a study of how things affect the human body.

I have abstained from alcohol since Wednesday.

My favorite girl is too. This “test” is bringing us closer together.

She is afraid she is an alcoholic. This, I understand, as I went through the same thing… until my roommate experiment a few years ago.

No. In this case, she is not an alcoholic. The alcohol is not what she is addicted to. Rather, it’s the numbness.

Like me, she is rather empathic. When you feel all of the extra vibrations outside of you, it is incredibly tempting to turn them off. If only for a moment.

Or to drink to excess, when they get overwhelming. It can be quite uncomfortable to sit in your feelings. And the vibrations you feel from others.

Yet, we need to learn to sit in these feelings. To improve. To understand. To turn life around.

What do I know? Admittedly, not much.

I cannot speak for her, as while I am checking in on her often, I am also giving her the space she needs.

For me, however, I have noticed the following:

My sleep has returned to a more normal six to seven hours a night. Good, restful sleep.

My appetite has also returned. And not in a way in which I am gaining unwanted weight.

With those two, the brain fog is also returning. It appears I was right about improper diet (however mildly), is dulling my focus and requiring naps.

And, I no longer see the matrix. A glimpse here or there, yes… but that “immortal” feeling has left. This. I don’t like.

I am hopeful that awareness can help guide me back into flow state when I need and/or desire it. As it has helped with both insomnia and cravings in the past.

Is this a determination to never drink again? No, not at all. It is a determination to listen to the universe, my environment, my body, my inner observer.

As Amy and I have discussed, we are both powerful manifestors, yet we are broken. It is time we learn to put this power to good use. We both deserve pleasure and joy.

I am convinced the universe will provide it, we just have to meet it somewhere in the middle.

It is, indeed, about the journey.

With all that is going on in life, the universe, and everything, it’s good to pause. To stop taking everything for granted. To be thankful for what you have. And in some cases, what you don’t have.

I, for one, am grateful for having found gratitude. Think about it. Just a little. It’s incredible.

I am grateful for the current roster of ladies in my life. Each of which brings her own unique talent and beauty into my life… and her viewpoint. It is through you ladies that I am FINALLY figuring out EXACTLY what I want in life. And I’m finally starting to remove what I don’t want. Even if and when you are put on waiver, it will be through true, pure, and unconditional love. And I will always adore you. And you. And you.

I am grateful for having found (at least) a li’l courage to try new things. So what if it doesn’t work out? For a moment, I embraced chaos… I became Kid Chaos. Now, I know how to move in the land of chaos. Even if I prefer more order. Besides, Kid Chaos tends to ruin lives. And no one deserves that.

I am grateful for discovering a community of truly extraordinary gentlemen. Brothers on a similar mission to recognize beauty in women, and indeed, in all other forms. But mostly women. Through these men, I have learned so much… including learning that I don’t want to think. It is better to feel. To understand without thinking. To erase the majority of society’s programming.

I am grateful for increased awareness. I feel immortal. I sleep less. I eat less. I feel fantastic. I am no longer afraid to tell her what I want from her. Or to walk away from obligations, or responsibilities that really don’t matter.

Finally, oh my Lord, I am grateful for feminine curves. Every single one of them. Every woman that walks by… I feel a stirring. And I love it. There’s a smile, a curve, a secret… is it so wrong to want to fuck every one of you? Isn’t that what we’re here for? It is as if she wore that red lipstick, and that dress, just for me.

What i'm listening to:

I’ll Be Around
The Spinners
Spinners

I could say, this is not something I need in my life. Yet… it is something to do. And it only takes five minutes, (usually) provides a nice endorphin boost, and occasionally inspires me to write something.

Clearly.

Why? Because it proves I am an overthinker. Beyond all doubt.

There are only x five-letter words out there. An innate understanding of how spelling rules in English work is helpful, because I can usually guess the word in three or four guesses.

Of course, there are those rarer words—which didn’t seem so in grade school, probably because they made ideal examples—with which you have four letters placed, and every possible consonant fits in that last spot. Then you are reliant on pure luck to get it in six.

Since I’ve been doing the Wordle (I am late to the party, as always), I’ve only been burned twice.

_ O U N D. Was the first. Do we always remember our first? (Hi, Teresa.)

I don’t recall the other.

Finally, today’s Wordle made me question my usage of the word: innate.

So, I looked it up.

in·nate (i·nāt′, in′·āt) adj. Native to or original with the individual; inborn.

Word usage IS important. English spelling rules cannot be innate, as they are learned. Yet, the UNDERSTANDING of said rules CAN be innate. Like those weirdos that understand mathematics and can figure the tip—in any amount or percentage—just by looking at the tab.

Me, I am that weirdo. Why else would I smash out 250+ words on this topic?

What i'm listening to:

Goin’ Down
Greg Guidry
Over the Line