Most people who know me know that i don't shop at Wal-Mart.

Honestly, i believe enough people shop there and make them the most successful corporation in the world without me.

And maybe, just maybe i can hold onto a sliver of my soul.

Maybe.

Anyway, last night i was getting ready for another night of unbridled depravity after picking up some groceries and Chinese food, but my trusty Celica decided it was a good night to stay home.

After almost seven years... i guess that battery didn't really owe me any favors. Hell, it outlasted my relationship!

So, my father... with the best of intentions... told me to go to Wal-Mart and pick up a $35 battery. Even if they sell stuff that isn't of the quality, i can afford to run a $35 battery for a couple of years.

Here's the kicker tho'... i'm only two minutes away from the local Interstate Batteries dealer, which happens to be the brand i had in the car for the last seven years.

And i replaced the battery for only $27.

See people! You've been conditioned that Wal-Mart "always" has the lowest prices... but somehow i manage to save plenty of money and i don't shop there.

There's something to be said for us old-fashioned bargain hunters! =^)

I still don't get it...

What is it about a raccoon tail and ears that enables Mario to fly? Surely i'm not the only one who has pondered this over the last several years since that game hit homes...

Or am i?

Wow, what a sad state of affairs that would be!

Oh well, it gives me something to think about... until i decide to Google for the answer, that is...

You know, i have made some pretty bad decisions in my life. I guess you could say that i always wanted more...

It's amazing how little everything means now. Now that i have lost the love of my life... i don't give a shit about anything.

Does that mean she was right? Was i focusing too much on us and not enough on me?

I don't think so... after all, i made the decision to go back to school for my bachelors degree, i made the decision to keep feelers out for a better career opportunity. I believe most of my decisions were to make my life better... which in turn would've made our lives better.

I suppose she wanted more too. In my decision to go back to school, to buy a house, to take steps towards financial stability... i lost the biggest thing that mattered to me. Even the decisions i thought were good ended up making things worse...

And now, nothing seems to matter.

Shit. I hate this...

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

I am so ready for this to end! I'm not sure how that can happen though. I still love her, and i feel like i always will. I still don't know why she felt she had to end it, and i probably never will.

I don't know what turned her love into hate.

If she ended it so she could pursue an affair... well, that hurts, but it doesn't change the fact that i love her.

And for some reason, i still feel that doesn't change the fact that she loves me.

I still think that it is her love for me that is preventing her from wanting to contact me... guilt, and not knowing exactly how she feels for all parties involved.

Here i am, the hopeless romantic... months ago, the emphasis would have been on romantic, but perhaps now the emphasis should be on hopeless... i keep thinking that all i need to do is find someway to sweep her off her feet, as i have done in the past. I just need to show her how devoted i am to making this work and making her happy.

I have been trying to keep my mind off of her. Really, i have! I just somehow keep coming back to her. It is worst when i wake up in the morning.

She just had this special way of waking me up in the morning. Mornings really were awesome for us...

Then i think of how cute she is when she is concentrating on something, our little yes/no arguments that more often than not led to unbridled passion, how beautiful she looked just at that moment.

What i had with her, i'm not certain i want with anyone else. Perhaps that is where my greatest problem lies.

If only i knew how and why she could fall out of love with me... or even if...

What did i do to deserve this? Will i ever believe in love again? How can she not be feeling the same feelings?

I almost had to laugh today.

Someone did something i had always wanted to do. I don't know if it was an accident, or if it was frustration... but someone had taken out the stoplight control box at a major intersection i happened through on my way to work today.

It was SOOO cool!

Ok, if it was intentional, then it was also illegal, but the way the lights are timed in the town and the way they do NOT work together... let's just say it gave me a happy feeling.

Albeit a small one... but the glimmer of mischief in my eyes returned for a shining moment.

Maybe all is not lost.

I'm sure it is fixed by now, but i couldn't help but notice the traffic was flowing much smoother with the traffic cop in the middle than it ever did with the stupid light!

I still can't help wonder how something so perfect could go so wrong.

The last six months i was more in love with her than i have ever been. I guess i didn't convey that very well... because she didn't believe i was totally into the relationship.

Perhaps she lost faith because she thought i did.

I know i'm dwelling, but i think i'm starting to move on. I know i wasn't totally to blame, and i never gave up on us... but maybe i didn't do enough.

And now i'm just so totally worried about her, because i still recall the stories she told me of her life when we were apart for two years... before the devotion and love and wonder!

Now i just have to have faith... faith that she will be ok, that she will not give in to temptations, will not be a victim of her own naivete, and faith that time will heal these wounds. Faith that she will see i always loved her and that i would do anything for her.

As well as faith that i will move on... and keep her fond memory in my thoughts. And faith that i can give her the time she needs...

Ok, today sucked.

Yesterday, i was actually in good spirits... but it was a rather long day, so i didn't get anything posted before i decided to go to bed.

I kinda wish i had. I think that i'll manage to get some of the good stories posted later.

Tonight, i'm sitting here sipping my absinthe... finished watching season 2 of the US version of "The Office", and now i'm watching the UK version from the beginning. Another good thing that came out of the weekend!

I'm starting to accept things i think. It is hard, and i'm fortunate to have a great support system to help me find the strength.

I have to keep in mind that i'm not the one who chose to forget the last three years. I'm not the one who treated her like shit for the last three weeks. I didn't play this game and make her jump through hoops while i had no intention of trying to make this work.

Yet, i'm still sad. As much as she loved me... she has to feel something still. I know i have proven beyond doubt there was nothing i wouldn't do for that girl... but somehow she was able to find something.

Something that cannot have been an issue for long... or she wouldn't have wasted three years of our lives! Not that i think it was a waste... i have no regrets of the moments we shared!

I have received some good advice from my good friend Amy... so hopefully i'll find the strength to stick to it. Find the strength to move on and find someone who appreciates everything i have to offer. And thanks to Joe & Erin for helping me see that i don't deserve to be treated this way for what has happened.

Odd, i've considered C to be my best friend for sooo long... i guess she should have had my back.

Anyway, my cocktail and "The Office" awaits!

What an interesting twelve hours it has been!

This morning i got the call... the negotiations are over, and i am not a happy homeowner. That is too bad, because i really did like the house. Of course, i have been told in the past that if one slips through my fingers that it wasn't meant to be.

I'm confident there will be another. I will love it just as much, and be ready to take that step.

So, life is laying some interesting things out on the table for me... just in time for me to ponder over the weekend's road trip.

Perhaps there really is such a thing as fate? What if things really happen for a reason? This is my opportunity to make some changes...

Well, congratulate me... finals are done!

I actually think i did well, which is amazing considering the things that have been going on in my life.

And what i have been putting my mind through.

Anyway, i had a pleasant surprise... a major surprise... when i turned on my computer after the final. Let's just say there was an email waiting for me.

Now i'm conflicted.

People who know me know that i don't lie. That's not to say i cannot, but it is mostly to say i will not.

I have been known to exaggerate, to omit, to err... and i am fantastic at keeping secrets and surprising people. However, when i am asked a question outright, i will either tell you or reserve the right to say nothing at all. Of course, the latter can often be the same as an admission of guilt.

Yesterday, i lied. Whether that means i crossed a line i never would have crossed, i don't know... but i was walking down a hallway and someone asked how i was doing.

Until yesterday, i've been brutally honest. I've said i was lousy. Life sucks. Terrible. Miserable.

I suppose i just got tired of saying i'm lousy. Sometimes i was able to say it with a smile that suggests they don't want to know, sometimes it led to an involved discussion.

Of course, yesterday, my response was ok.

I have been working things out, so maybe i'm starting to try to convince myself i'm ok.

That may not have been my biggest transgression.

You see, i have missed C. A lot! In my last email i said some things. At the time, i believe everything was true. I was having a good day, and i said that i was strong enough to go on without her.

I said i don't want to get back together.

Mostly it was a letter about friendship. I've been feeling that i miss her as a friend more than as a lover... and to some degree, truer words were never said.

And that day... a sunny and warm day when i was feeling strong... i probably felt ready to move on. Today, not so much.

Anyway, she surprised me with an email today. I can take some comfort in her words. She's not bitter as i feared. She hasn't moved on yet. She still seems to be the girl i became hopelessly devoted to.

The girl who seems to be making me certifiable.

The girl who has me asking the question, at least to myself: Do i want to get back together?

I don't know if i know how to not be in love with her.

Overall, a good day... but there are new questions for me to ponder.