A wise man once told me, "Risk is your friend."

Today, an evil, evil idea was planted in my head. It is incredibly risky, and has a pretty high probability of failure.

I have options to mull...

I'm sorry to keep dwelling on this. I'm just trying to take it moment to moment, some are good, some are not-so-much. Anyway, this is how i'm coping.

Today is a really bad day. I know they won't always be this bad, but that offers little consolation.

I really thought i would always have her support. I never thought taking steps to secure my future would push her away.

It has been just over a week since we last saw each other. Since we last touched, kissed, hugged...

It seems like so long ago. Where did it go so horribly wrong? Why do i feel so fucking alone?

I have things to do now... and it will do me good to get out of this house. I know we both need our space. I just need to be strong enough. At least it isn't raining today...

Finals. I need to survive my finals!

I haven't yet mentioned, i'm buying a house.

It makes sense. I'm in my mid-30s, have a fair job, and i'm looking to increase my worth. I happened to find this little gem to make it happen.

C said this was a bold statement. Buying a house that is.

You see, perhaps she believed i was far too picky to ever settle on a house. Perhaps she was afraid of how i would react to her wanting to stay in Colorado. Perhaps i didn't seem receptive to moving.

But she didn't speak up. I didn't speak up. If i had known *before* the deal was made on this house, i would have been willing to move to Colorado too... but she never asked. She never let me know what she wanted.

C, i harbor no ill will toward you... in fact, i will always care about you. If nothing else, i hope you take this away from our experiences: always, always speak your mind. You don't know what others are willing to do unless you put the idea out there. And, the more strongly you feel about the idea, the more you need to convey it!

I am happy with this house, and the road it will lead me down. However, i would have been happy to follow you and your dreams as well. I hope you will communicate with the people in your life now and in the future... because sometimes the silence only drives people apart. Share your dreams and your goals and your life plans... and do it before a decision is made and it is too late.

Well, i still think she's making a big mistake, but i'm just going to have to let her make it.

Maybe things will end up for the best. We talked this afternoon, and if nothing else, she knows beyond all doubt that i would have done anything for her and to keep us together.

She doesn't want that. Not now. Not ever.

Ever? At least i had to try... how could she ever respect me if i didn't?

In spite of that, i will love you forever, C.

Take care of yourself!

You know, i used to consider myself to be very fortunate. I mean, here i was dating my best friend. We could tell each other anything!

At least i thought we could. I still don't know why she didn't tell me what she was feeling. Why didn't she tell me what she wanted?

A smart and very sexy girl once told me, "At least the nice thing about the future is that we can make it any way we want and spend it together!"

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There is this sense of intense loneliness i'm feeling.

It just sucks waking up in the morning and knowing that there will be no phone calls, no text messages.

[ more.. ]

Meet C.

I love this girl. However, she has seen something in me recently that i have missed. I am no longer the man she fell in love with. I have lost the vision.

And now i must get it back. I must find him.

Don't kid yourself in thinking i'm doing this solely to get her back. That may only be half of it. You see, we are living a distance apart right now. I see now what she sees... that i have let the distance eat away at my soul. I need to do this for myself as well as for the good of our relationship.

Tonight is the night i say goodbye to this pathetic shadow i have become. It is time to find and restore the man who cast the shadow.

C, i want you to know that i'm very serious about becoming a better man. I don't want to play games with you... i've never played games with you. I've just let myself slip into an addiction of apathy. I know i had my problems before, and i intend to be a better man than before. I just hope that someday i can earn your respect again.

She will be mine again, oh yes. She will be mine again!