Oddly, I’ve been craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not just any peanut butter and jelly sandwich... but one that has been toasted panini style!

I’ve never had a toasted pb&j before... but I’m sure it’s very, very tasty! Apparently others have tried it, for you can find a plethora of links online for several favorite peanut butter and jelly panini recipes.

Since this craving started, I’ve been wondering: do I need to find a panini grill? If I buy one, will I use it? Then today, I had an epiphany!

George Foreman.

He can make my panini! I may have to hold down the top to simulate the “press” part, but why wouldn’t this work?

So, for lunch today... I’ll be enjoying a peanut butter and jelly panini!

What i'm listening to:

Bittersweet Symphony
The Verve
Urban Hymns

So, several days ago, I was looking at Facebook and a name popped up in my news feed I hadn’t seem for several months. Her status update was “got fb back.”

As one who has a love/hate relationship with the eternal time-waster that is Facebook, this piqued my interest. I’d noticed she was missing from my friends list sometime last summer... which is something that happens.

It’s happened to me many times. Sometimes I offend someone because I’m surprisingly filter-less with my status updates. Sometimes it’s an acquaintance I just don’t know well. Sometimes a concerned boyfriend gains access to his girlfriend’s account and performs a little house cleaning. Sometimes it’s just time for a break and it’s time to deactivate.

That was the case for her. That’s been the case for me for a while.

I was curious, and I looked at her wall... she was gone for about six months.

So, I’ve taken a “180 day” challenge that doesn’t really exist. As infectious as this Web 2.0 social networking bullshit is, can I even exist without it?

Can I keep in touch with my ladies, my friends, my family with earlier means: phone calls, text messages, email, letters?

Ok, the latter is a bit extreme... although I’ve lamented the disappearance of letter writing in the past.

Anyway, two weeks ago, I was perusing the news feed on Facebook and I realized it was time. So, I deactivated. Will Ashley miss me? Staci? Chelle? Ann? Andrea? Vania? Possibly... but I doubt it... we have each other’s phone numbers. Looking back, it’s funny how Facebook tries to get you to reconsider: showing you photos of you with your friends with the tag line “____ will miss you. Send ____ a message.”

Will I make it 180 days? I’ll admit, probably not. Should I try? That depends on if this really is an addiction to useless information on so many casual acquaintances... but I digress. The plan is quite simply this: On day 21, I’ll decide if I want to push for 45 days. On day 45, I’ll decide if I want to push for 90. On day 90, I’ll decide on going to 180.

Whatever day I sign in again, I’ll either create a new account and start over... or, at the very least, clean out some of my casual acquaintances, or hide them from the news feed.

We’ll see... in the interim, I’m just going to enjoy having that part of my life back!

What i'm listening to:

Lady
Joss Stone
Colour Me Free

It’s been ages since a head cold has kicked my ass to the curb. I’d pay real money to relieve this pressure and breathe through my nose again.

And sick days. I don’t remember the last time I’ve taken more than one.

What is up with technology? Days like today, I fantasize about mentholatum coated straws that can be inserted up one’s nose... opening up the airway and creating relief at the same time. Maybe make the straws of a material that would dissolve in time as the nasal passage reopens on its own.

Brilliant! Hmmm... maybe I should patent that?

Of course, the highlight is that I’ve discovered Chuck. Since Saturday, I’ve conquered seasons one and two, and I’m one episode into season three. Entertaining show from Josh Schwartz that doesn’t have the “guilty pleasure” vibe that The OC and Gossip Girl provide.

And I’m amazed at the depth of the character played by Yvonne Strahovski... she totally nails mixing Sarah’s vulnerability with the stone cold killer and secret agent. Her emotional range from hot to cold and back again is chilling.

So real. Like so many of the girls in my life.

Plus, Sarah and Chuck’s chemistry and their relationship that is never meant to be might be the most riveting on screen rapport since the days Moonlighting was good.

If/when Chuck ends, she’ll have no problem finding work!

And, with four episodes left in my Chuck-a-thon... I’ll be caught up and find myself waiting for new episodes with the rest of the world. Kind of bittersweet, actually. There’s something to be said for watching shows on demand.

A friend has promised me I’ll love Veronica Mars, so if I’m still confined to the couch, maybe that’ll be my next move. I just hope to exorcise this damned cold before I’m hopelessly addicted to the television! I hate feeling like life is passing me by...

So, today I had lunch with my favorite girl. Interestingly, she didn’t realize that today is the anniversary of my birth. I don’t make a big deal out of it, but it did bring up the expected question.

She wondered how old I am.

Generally, if someone makes a guess I will tell them. However, she wouldn’t hazard a guess. She was afraid she’d get in trouble. I doubt it. I’m curious to know what she might have guessed...

However, I must admit I really, really enjoy not publicizing my age. I’ve learned that you are really only as old as the girls think you are. I’m cool with that!

I LOVE it!

Although, I’m still wondering what her guess would’ve been.

What i'm listening to:

What Is Love?
Howard Jones
Human's Lib

Jonathan Swift wrote in Polite Conversation something like this: “There are none so blind as those who will not see.”

Those words continue to ring loudly in my ears. If I don’t open my eyes, and soon, I will have blown it with every young lady in my life... perhaps even in the city.

Don’t dwell on it... just pay attention to her. Be with her, instead of being trapped in your head.

The symbolism in today’s post is two-fold. I’m finding that I need to regain vision. I’ve lost my way, and it comes through in my actions. At some point in the not-too-distant past, I’ve lost my passion... lost my joy.

I fully acknowledge this, and that I must find my passion and joy once again. It never ceases to amaze me how a rut can evolve into depression. Then everything that seemed so simple just falls apart.

Boo.

It’s time to take the first steps. I’ve become addicted to information again... and I’m letting the quest for useless knowledge consume me. Countless hours are being spent on the markets page, entertainment blogs and Facebook. None of which are very productive.

I recall when I gave up information the last time. I remember the sense of tranquility and purpose I had when I wasn’t consumed with that which is totally out of my control, and that which has little effect on my life anyway. It's called an “information diet” and it does work in regaining focus on life.

So, I’m going to give it all up. None of it matters. NONE of it!

All that matters is taking life by the horns. It’s so much more rewarding to live life than to have life live me.

Wish me luck.

What i'm listening to:

TiK ToK
Ke$ha
Animal

Yesterday, I realized something about myself. Something huge. I figured out something major that’s holding me back.

I no longer have any doubt that I will someday find love. I have seen it... at least the beginnings. It’s in that look... I can totally see it in her eyes. She’s mine... all I have to do is...

Well, all I have to do is anything!

So, I do nothing. That’s the rub.

For whatever reason, I must feel inside like I’m undeserving of happiness... undeserving of being a part of this wonderful young lady’s life.

Sure, there’s all that macho bullshit of “being unfair to the other girls,” but if I really like someone who really likes me back, the other girls really shouldn’t matter that much.

Right?

So, here I am... upset, hungover, and alone. It doesn’t have to be this way.

What am I going to do about it? Well, that, my friends, is the $64,000 question. I can continue to do nothing. I can leave my life in such chaos that I won’t allow anyone in.

Or I can stop shutting these girls out of my life. I can stop losing them one at a time and going through this sliver of hell each time. I can let someone in. I can take advantage of that look... the look where she’s mine, if I just do something.

Nothing isn’t an option. If I continue to do nothing, I’ll keep getting... nothing.

What i'm listening to:

You Can't Always Get What...
Rolling Stones
Let It Bleed

Events are the teachers of fools. However, I'm not certain this fool is learning anything.

This battle going on inside my head is getting rather tiresome. I have so much to unlearn before I can evolve. I trip over sticking points and run head first into walls.

Sticking points that aren't there. Walls that don't really exist.

It's funny, because when it comes to randoms, nothing can stop me. I'm charming, suave, and seductive. Of course, those three things also apply with women I know and women I like.

However, when it comes to going in for the kiss, I stumble. Second base? Forget about it. Why do I stop when I'm with someone I like?

What's so frustrating about this is I can see that moment in her eyes when she's eagerly anticipating the next move and she sees in my eyes that I'm internally shutting it down. How sad!

What kind of fool am I?

When the fun-sized college girl is all over you and kissing your neck, she's ready to go! When you're curled up on a twenty-something professional's sofa watching a classic movie about love, sex, insecurity and deception, she's ready to go!

When she's ready to go, and you don't "go," you betray her trust. You're in damage control. You've probably lost her.

Again, I know enough about women to know how that must trigger her insecurities... yet I still continue to let mine get the best of me.

Last night, I was chatting with the aforementioned twenty-something about one of our mutual friends. This mutual friend is someone I'd previously blown a potential relationship with... someone who is so incredibly happy right now... someone who makes me wonder if I will ever create that kind of happiness inside that incredible woman.

The man she found really has his shit together. My life, while it is far better than it was during the dark times, is still more-or-less in shambles.

I know I need to get my life together for myself before I can bring that lucky young lady into it. I can truly make her happy, but I have to be firmly rooted before I'll be confident of it.

Perhaps this is why I continuously sabotage my relationship with the women I actually like.

I need to take a break. I need to get my life together. I need to end this ongoing battle inside my head. The lucky ladies in my life deserve no less!

Hell, I deserve it!

Fools have to learn by experience.

What i'm listening to:

You're Only Human
Billy Joel
Greatest Hits Vol. II

Who doesn't have them, seriously?

I'd love to say I don't, but no matter how good (or bad) things are going, the doubts keep creeping into my mind. The dreaded "What if?"

I've evolved into a person who no longer believes in that victim mentality which has infiltrated our society so deeply. Every day, when I read the news, there are people who've had this happen to them, or that happen to them. I'll even venture to say this behavior has gotten worse recently as the bailout mindset sinks in to society's psyche.

But, I'm not writing to criticize victims, or even perceived victims.

I'm writing about myself... the shameless narcissist. After all, there is never any sense in fretting about things outside of the realm of my control.

What's got me worried are the things that should be within my control, but for whatever reason I'm unwilling to do what is necessary to do them. I've been told I have too many things on my plate, so if I'd just focus on one thing at a time and see it through to the end, I'd eventually get everything taken care of.

They're right. They're right. I know they're right... but my desire and motivation are lacking. It is far too easy to lay on the sofa and watch reruns of Charlie's Angels all day than it is to actually do anything... no matter how minor that "thing" might be.

The driven college student of last spring seems like a distant memory.

I've not found a gym comparable to what the university offered, so I'm not motivated to work out... and lying on the sofa watching television equals snacking for me, just like it does for most of overweight America.

However, I've been seeing a couple of petite young ladies... one of whom has invited me to work out with her so we can keep each other motivated, but since she's still at the university, I'm not sure how that will work. They offer guest passes, but they are a bit cost-prohibitive!

Interestingly, one of the items on my perpetual to-do list is to write the president of the university and propose a plan allowing alumni to pay to use the gym at a cost that is competitive with area health clubs, which will provide much needed income in this economy, complete with a check-in/check-out system so they are able to track the student to alumni ratio and ensure that the students still come first, yet offer up the facility to the alumni. Of course, I think it is brilliant... but it's not a high priority.

Then there's a letter to a certain actress that still hasn't been written. I've learned a lot about women since the before time, so I know that my silence can only be interpreted in very bad ways.

My relationships with members of the fairer sex continue to blossom, but I still find myself falling into old habits and sabotaging said relationships before they get too far. Seriously, if a beautiful, fun-sized young lady is throwing herself into your arms and kissing you, and you don't scoop her up and take her home... something is definitely wrong. Identify it, own it, and handle it. Do not let her get away because you're a fucking moron! Again, what kind of signal does that send to her?

Then there's the 20-page project I alluded to last time. Turn off the phone and the television, stay home, drink plenty of water and energy drinks and GET IT DONE!

Yet, I find myself sitting at home, alone, and not doing anything... but sleeping too much, eating too much and watching too much television. All things I have complete control over, yet I'm letting those things "live" me right now. I need to stop. I need to take control. I need to read my own blog and decide that I live life... NOT the other way around.

Good talk. Now make it happen.

What i'm listening to:

The World We Live In
The Killers
Day & Age

I have been avoiding writing. The reasons for this are multi-faceted, but below the surface there are mere excuses. It's amusing that I'm making excuses for not writing, because I've discovered how to NOT make excuses for other areas in my life.

So, here we go. I'll begin again by writing about my excuses for not writing... get them out there so they can go away.

I have one lingering project that keeps me from receiving my diploma. Only one. However, it is a 20-page paper... one that must be interesting, unique, and not merely a regurgitation of someone else's research. No manipulations of other people's interpretations, but my own interpretations of primary source material.

I don't really care what other people think anymore, but I find that I still judge myself pretty harshly. In my own self-judging, I was afraid of being hypocritical. If I'm not writing my capstone paper, what business do I have blogging? Or column writing?

While I still consider that a valid argument, it doesn't provide incentive to get it done... only gives more power to my fear of writing. So, today I'm deciding to write through it. Whatever it takes. I used to enjoy writing... even if I'm not very good at it. Besides, I have a friend who leads a local writing workshop and she continuously reminds me that it is through writing where it gets better.

I keep hearing it from my instructor as well. In fact, she lectured me yesterday about letting go of my fear of being imperfect and reminded me that rough drafts are rarely perfect... and usually pretty terrible. Edit, edit, edit.

One perfect draft... even one acceptable draft, is unlikely.

Then there is the blank page. Looking at a blank page on a computer is pretty scary. That desire to write the perfect words is so strong, yet again, so unlikely. I need to just write. Even if what I'm writing largely sucks, much like this blog entry.

Somewhere along the line, I've lost the value of practice and experimentation. I need to embrace that and apply it to writing. After all, when I think about those things that I'm really, really good at... it didn't freakishly happen the first time out.

Anyway, I'm brimming with ideas I think would be fun to write about... My capstone is about gender and racial portrayals in the early days of advertising; I have a column idea explaining why I cannot break up with Facebook; and I sooo much has happened in my life since that zOMG moment I still need to share. It's time to get it out there!

What i'm listening to:

Off the Wall
Michael Jackson
Off the Wall

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What i'm listening to:

Cocoon
Assemblage 23
Defiance