Tuesday, December 16, 2014, 10:46 am

Unsettled...

I’m in a rut. This morning, on the drive to work, I was thinking about what I do. About starting over. Wondering how to start over. Is it possible?

Steve Jobs is credited with saying this:

“When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: ‘If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.’ It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘no’ for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.”

I’m there. I know I need to change something.

During and after university, I chose a path that was easy. I do what I’m good at, but not necessarily something I enjoy. Now I feel like I’m trapped against a glass ceiling and that I’m sitting on the sidelines watching my dreams die.

I don’t want my dreams to die. I don’t want to accept that “the world needs ditch diggers too.”

But where do I find the confidence to take the leap of faith?

Where?

What i'm listening to:
Christmas Eve and Other Stories Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24
Trans-Siberian Orchestra
Christmas Eve and Other Stories

Wednesday, December 10, 2014, 10:00 am

tragic comedian...

Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain.

Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.”

Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor... I am Pagliacci.”

Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.

Shamelessly stolen from The Watchmen and Alan Moore.

Thursday, July 24, 2014, 3:54 pm

Tomorrow...

My shipment of Soylent is scheduled to arrive tomorrow. I’m thrilled, since this single guy hates dealing with cooking, eating, and cleaning... why shouldn’t I just have a shake that has all of the nutrients I need?

I’m beyond excited! Let’s do this!

Monday, July 21, 2014, 12:35 pm

Finding Clarity...

It’s amazing what an unplanned 17-hour drive can do for your psyche. I feel like I can see the matrix!

Seriously, solitude can do wonders for wrestling demons, sorting conflicts and analyzing sticking points. Being away from the presence of people in real life who are constantly trying to manipulate and deceive you helps greatly too.

For that brief and shining moment, I know exactly what I have to do. Now, I just have to do it before the clarity is muddled by these interactions with everyone and everything so familiar. I’m clearly out of alignment with what I do and who I’m around.

Now to map out the game plan... before my mind clouds over and I’m re-assimilated into society’s hive-mind. Let’s do this!

It’s time to live!

Sunday, May 25, 2014, 10:27 am

escape...

I’m being afflicted by the bug again. I want to get in the car and drive. I don’t really care where... I just want to get away.

It’s a beautiful day for a drive! Just roll down the windows, crank up the radio, and go. Doesn’t matter where, doesn’t even matter for how long. Just go.

Since I was a boy, I’ve always loved traveling. It’s funny, because I don’t even need a destination in mind. I suppose I’ve always been a “the journey is part of the adventure” kind of person.

Most of my family are very destination-centric. I prefer to avoid the freeways, and stick to the secondary roads. To see a bit of the Americana that’s rapidly vanishing from our countryside. To stop whenever I want and for how long just feels right.

It is time... a road trip is inevitable, and soon!

What i'm listening to:
Frontiers Faithfully
Journey
Frontiers

Thursday, May 22, 2014, 1:40 pm

Woman... whoa, man!

Women...

I'll be the first to admit that I've learned a LOT about women over the last several years. Perhaps to the point where I've forgotten more than most guys ever learn about women.

However, it seems the more I learn, the less I know...

She is an enigma.

Nonetheless, it shall be an interesting ride.

What i'm listening to:
Live Through This Violet
Hole
Live Through This

Thursday, May 8, 2014, 12:33 pm

write something...

I've been away, but I'm back now.

Maybe.

I feel like something's missing. I used to write it down here.

I think at the time it helped me sort out life. It helped me set goals and hold myself accountable. It helped me vent when I needed to. It helped me to work on being who I want to be. It helped me do me.

So, I'm going to get back into the habit of writing a few things down here. I'm going to do me. For me.

For no one but me. I need to do this.

It shall be glorious!

What i'm listening to:
whitechocolatespaceegg Big Tall Man
Liz Phair
whitechocolatespaceegg

Thursday, December 27, 2012, 5:11 pm

Defeated...

I am not a successful person.

There, I’ve said it. Am I a failure? Perhaps... time will ultimately tell.

Maybe I just needed to see it. On the page. I am not a successful person.

Why? I want to be. Don’t I? I want to someday live the good life and not scrape by from paycheck to paycheck.

Today, I had a hard lesson. As banking customers, we’d like to think that we matter to these institution. However, the cold, hard reality is that we don’t. Well, most of us don’t.

The BANK was more than willing to lose me over a matter of $35. Why? Because they still have me. I owe on a line of credit. I owe on a credit card. Sure, I can simply pay these off never pay them another penny.

Or, I can stop paying on them, let them get charged off of their roles, and eventually settle for 20-30¢ on the dollar.

However, my mortgage is also with the BANK. Refinancing my home to tear my mortgage away from the BANK is a costly and inconvenient option. Plus, with where my credit is today, I’ll probably be unable to secure the decent rate I have with the BANK.

They don’t want me, but they’re stuck with me just like I’m stuck with them. Shit.

So, all I can do is pour myself another drink... light another cigarette and try to determine where everything went wrong. Try to determine if there is a solution.

Too many problems, not enough solutions.

Of course, would’ve and could’ve play prominently in my mind. Yes, I was stupid to obtain a credit card right after high school. Yes, I was stupid to subsidize my living with these cards when times were tight. However, there was always the future... so bright.

So bright.

Today, I cannot even imagine the future. It’s a hole. A long, dark, empty hole.

At this point, I had hoped to be able to purchase a new car. A vacation in Europe. Travel. See the world. Think about retiring.

Instead, I hope to be able to purchase a hamburger for lunch. Heat to sleep comfortably. Gas to get to work. This is the American dream?

I suppose I deserve this. For years, I was on the right track. I believed I was better than everyone else. I was going to make it through sheer determination and will.

Well, friends... that’s where I’m not a successful person.

Sheer determination? Fail. Will? Fail. I am an emotional person. My emotions get in the way of my determination. My fear of success gets in the way of my will. I get comfortable and stay there way too long. By the time discomfort starts, I’m not together enough to figure out my options and embrace change.

Pete Campbell had it right: “Stable is that step backwards between successful and failing.”

Except, in my case, I settled for stable. I haven’t pushed through to successful. Maybe, I thought I was being less selfish thinking I don’t want it all. Or, maybe, I was afraid.

When times were good, I’d cockily refer to the line, “There’s no point in living, if you can’t feel alive.” I know that the world is not enough. I know that wanting it all is good.

What I don’t know... is how to get it.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012, 11:04 pm

Life...

Realized tonight that life hasn't exactly turned out the way I wanted.

It is time to correct that.

What i'm listening to:
City to City Baker Street
Gerry Rafferty
City to City

Sunday, November 13, 2011, 7:37 am

One step, two steps, three steps... back?

So, today I stumbled upon a blog via Facebook that is written by a former colleague of mine. It made me realize something which struck me as quite profound.

What I write doesn't mean anything... to anyone.

That statement is more factual than it is self-deprecating. When I started blogging in this space, I made a choice to make it a totally narcissisting venture into exploring myself. At the time it was what I needed to do. There were some areas of my life which needed to be handled.

Well, now they've been handled. Ok, maybe not all.

This blog exists because I had previously put so much of myself into a former relationship that I needed to make some changes. I journaled the changes to see where I've come from where I've been. My lack of willingness to update this space means that this blog is no longer necessary.

Reading this new blog from an old friend today, made me realize that somewhere in the last few years, I became comfortable and content. I stopped forward thinking and lost myself in nostalgia. Have I regressed? Not a chance, but I haven't progressed either. I'm no longer working to make myself better.

This needs to change.

I haven't read a book (fiction or otherwise) in over a year. I've stopped working out. I try to eat healthy, but have become a serious foodie... so my healthy diet frequently falls to the wayside.

I know it is possible to be healthy AND a foodie, because I have a co-worker who succeeds as being both. He explains it to me as thinking of meals as fuel, so he can truly enjoy the fabulous meals.

My former colleague also posted about enjoying a cup of coffee and a great book from bed on a Sunday morning. It sounds nice.

It makes me wonder when I stopped enjoying life again. Probably, it was when I stopped progressing.

I guess I'd better get my ass in gear!

1  •  2  •  3  •  4  •  5  •  6  •  7  •  8  •  9  •  10   •  Next »