Thursday, December 27, 2012, 5:11 pm

Defeated...

I am not a successful person.

There, I’ve said it. Am I a failure? Perhaps... time will ultimately tell.

Maybe I just needed to see it. On the page. I am not a successful person.

Why? I want to be. Don’t I? I want to someday live the good life and not scrape by from paycheck to paycheck.

Today, I had a hard lesson. As banking customers, we’d like to think that we matter to these institution. However, the cold, hard reality is that we don’t. Well, most of us don’t.

The BANK was more than willing to lose me over a matter of $35. Why? Because they still have me. I owe on a line of credit. I owe on a credit card. Sure, I can simply pay these off never pay them another penny.

Or, I can stop paying on them, let them get charged off of their roles, and eventually settle for 20-30¢ on the dollar.

However, my mortgage is also with the BANK. Refinancing my home to tear my mortgage away from the BANK is a costly and inconvenient option. Plus, with where my credit is today, I’ll probably be unable to secure the decent rate I have with the BANK.

They don’t want me, but they’re stuck with me just like I’m stuck with them. Shit.

So, all I can do is pour myself another drink... light another cigarette and try to determine where everything went wrong. Try to determine if there is a solution.

Too many problems, not enough solutions.

Of course, would’ve and could’ve play prominently in my mind. Yes, I was stupid to obtain a credit card right after high school. Yes, I was stupid to subsidize my living with these cards when times were tight. However, there was always the future... so bright.

So bright.

Today, I cannot even imagine the future. It’s a hole. A long, dark, empty hole.

At this point, I had hoped to be able to purchase a new car. A vacation in Europe. Travel. See the world. Think about retiring.

Instead, I hope to be able to purchase a hamburger for lunch. Heat to sleep comfortably. Gas to get to work. This is the American dream?

I suppose I deserve this. For years, I was on the right track. I believed I was better than everyone else. I was going to make it through sheer determination and will.

Well, friends... that’s where I’m not a successful person.

Sheer determination? Fail. Will? Fail. I am an emotional person. My emotions get in the way of my determination. My fear of success gets in the way of my will. I get comfortable and stay there way too long. By the time discomfort starts, I’m not together enough to figure out my options and embrace change.

Pete Campbell had it right: “Stable is that step backwards between successful and failing.”

Except, in my case, I settled for stable. I haven’t pushed through to successful. Maybe, I thought I was being less selfish thinking I don’t want it all. Or, maybe, I was afraid.

When times were good, I’d cockily refer to the line, “There’s no point in living, if you can’t feel alive.” I know that the world is not enough. I know that wanting it all is good.

What I don’t know... is how to get it.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012, 11:04 pm

Life...

Realized tonight that life hasn't exactly turned out the way I wanted.

It is time to correct that.

What i'm listening to:
City to City Baker Street
Gerry Rafferty
City to City

Sunday, November 13, 2011, 7:37 am

One step, two steps, three steps... back?

So, today I stumbled upon a blog via Facebook that is written by a former colleague of mine. It made me realize something which struck me as quite profound.

What I write doesn't mean anything... to anyone.

That statement is more factual than it is self-deprecating. When I started blogging in this space, I made a choice to make it a totally narcissisting venture into exploring myself. At the time it was what I needed to do. There were some areas of my life which needed to be handled.

Well, now they've been handled. Ok, maybe not all.

This blog exists because I had previously put so much of myself into a former relationship that I needed to make some changes. I journaled the changes to see where I've come from where I've been. My lack of willingness to update this space means that this blog is no longer necessary.

Reading this new blog from an old friend today, made me realize that somewhere in the last few years, I became comfortable and content. I stopped forward thinking and lost myself in nostalgia. Have I regressed? Not a chance, but I haven't progressed either. I'm no longer working to make myself better.

This needs to change.

I haven't read a book (fiction or otherwise) in over a year. I've stopped working out. I try to eat healthy, but have become a serious foodie... so my healthy diet frequently falls to the wayside.

I know it is possible to be healthy AND a foodie, because I have a co-worker who succeeds as being both. He explains it to me as thinking of meals as fuel, so he can truly enjoy the fabulous meals.

My former colleague also posted about enjoying a cup of coffee and a great book from bed on a Sunday morning. It sounds nice.

It makes me wonder when I stopped enjoying life again. Probably, it was when I stopped progressing.

I guess I'd better get my ass in gear!

Monday, August 15, 2011, 3:35 pm

Put me in charge...

Put me in charge of food stamps. I’d get rid of Lone Star cards; no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho’s, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. The first thing I’d do is to get women Norplant birth control implants or tubal ligations. Then, we’ll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine and document all tattoos and piercings. If you want to reproduce or use drugs, alcohol, smoke or get tats and piercings, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing . Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your “home” will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

In addition you need to work for entitlements . You will either present a check stub from a job each week (and a drug test) or you will report to a “government” job (and take a drug test). It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, serve or cook soup in a soup kitchen or whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22 inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the “common good.”

Before you write that I’ve violated someone’s rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary.

If you want our money, accept our rules..

Before you say that this would be “demeaning” and ruin their “self esteem,” consider that it wasn’t that long ago that taking someone else’s money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self esteem.

If we are expected to pay for other people’s mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices.

The current system rewards people for continuing to make bad choices. Put me in charge and I would make some changes .

Alfred W. Evans, Gatesville

--

The preceding appeared in the Waco Tribune-Herald last November.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010, 7:07 pm

Challenging "type"

So, today I had a larger than healthier dose of salt in my game. Definitely not a good thing, and I’m actually surprised how much it is affecting me.

Maybe this is something I need to figure out?

You see, there’s this girl. She’s into me... but she’s not my type. However, she’s under my skin.

So, how much does type really matter? I like her, she likes me, we should just be able to hook up and go on our merry ways, right?

Today, a group of my close girlfriends all chimed in how she is totally not my type, then proceeded to tell me what they perceive my type to be.

Interesting, but derailing. By telling me that A’s not my type, a seed was planted. A seed of doubt.

I was convinced things were going well. Now? Not so much.

Meh.

What i'm listening to:
Take Cover For the Love of Money
Queensr├┐che
Take Cover

Friday, May 7, 2010, 11:53 pm

Of course I love you, but...

Yes, Miss A... I know you love me. And I've grown quite fond of you. However there are a couple of things you should keep in mind:

  1. Call me. Seriously, I have far too many women in my life to make time for a flaky bitch who "forgets" to call. If you're not going to call, fine... just don't waste my time by promising you will! Just sayin'!
  2. Just an FYI... I am NOT going to sleep with you if you are sloppy ass drunk. It's not fair to either of us, because I'm magnificent and I want to create an experience with you where you will find unequaled pleasure. I'm sure there are thousands of men who will take you home and pound you senseless... but if you want a fucking awesome experience (pun intended), just keep it to a couple of drinks.

You won't regret it!

Monday, March 22, 2010, 8:54 am

New career...

So, I’m thinking I should be in the insurance business... for the insurance salesmen will be the only ones left standing when the dust settles. Just saying.

The house has sold all of us over to insurance... rather than fixing the root of the health problem, they took the easy way out and mandated everyone have insurance that they still cannot afford, so others who can’t afford it can pick up the slack. Our legislators do not understand economics, the health care system, or business, yet they seem to believe they are the best to run and manage these entities.

I’m healthy, I don’t want health insurance, I don’t NEED health insurance, and I have enough in the bank to cover myself... why should I be punished for choosing not to carry insurance, which is really just legalized gambling: I’m betting I’m going to get sick, they are betting I’m not, they win and I just keep paying out.

If they REALLY wanted to fix health care in this country, the government would do something to make health care affordable WITHOUT insurance.

They would NOT continue to fatten the wallets of insurance people, who profit in all areas of health care, and who’s malpractice insurance is a huge reason medical care is so outrageous to begin with!

Time to change careers. Let me tell you about this insurance policy: it’s great for you, yet even better for me!.

What i'm listening to:
Careful Confessions Inside Out
Sara Bareilles
Careful Confessions

Friday, February 26, 2010, 10:22 am

Cravings...

Oddly, I’ve been craving a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not just any peanut butter and jelly sandwich... but one that has been toasted panini style!

I’ve never had a toasted pb&j before... but I’m sure it’s very, very tasty! Apparently others have tried it, for you can find a plethora of links online for several favorite peanut butter and jelly panini recipes.

Since this craving started, I’ve been wondering: do I need to find a panini grill? If I buy one, will I use it? Then today, I had an epiphany!

George Foreman.

He can make my panini! I may have to hold down the top to simulate the “press” part, but why wouldn’t this work?

So, for lunch today... I’ll be enjoying a peanut butter and jelly panini!

What i'm listening to:
Urban Hymns Bittersweet Symphony
The Verve
Urban Hymns

Thursday, February 4, 2010, 4:05 pm

Day 14: The great experiment...

So, several days ago, I was looking at Facebook and a name popped up in my news feed I hadn’t seem for several months. Her status update was “got fb back.”

As one who has a love/hate relationship with the eternal time-waster that is Facebook, this piqued my interest. I’d noticed she was missing from my friends list sometime last summer... which is something that happens.

It’s happened to me many times. Sometimes I offend someone because I’m surprisingly filter-less with my status updates. Sometimes it’s an acquaintance I just don’t know well. Sometimes a concerned boyfriend gains access to his girlfriend’s account and performs a little house cleaning. Sometimes it’s just time for a break and it’s time to deactivate.

That was the case for her. That’s been the case for me for a while.

I was curious, and I looked at her wall... she was gone for about six months.

So, I’ve taken a “180 day” challenge that doesn’t really exist. As infectious as this Web 2.0 social networking bullshit is, can I even exist without it?

Can I keep in touch with my ladies, my friends, my family with earlier means: phone calls, text messages, email, letters?

Ok, the latter is a bit extreme... although I’ve lamented the disappearance of letter writing in the past.

Anyway, two weeks ago, I was perusing the news feed on Facebook and I realized it was time. So, I deactivated. Will Ashley miss me? Staci? Chelle? Ann? Andrea? Vania? Possibly... but I doubt it... we have each other’s phone numbers. Looking back, it’s funny how Facebook tries to get you to reconsider: showing you photos of you with your friends with the tag line “____ will miss you. Send ____ a message.”

Will I make it 180 days? I’ll admit, probably not. Should I try? That depends on if this really is an addiction to useless information on so many casual acquaintances... but I digress. The plan is quite simply this: On day 21, I’ll decide if I want to push for 45 days. On day 45, I’ll decide if I want to push for 90. On day 90, I’ll decide on going to 180.

Whatever day I sign in again, I’ll either create a new account and start over... or, at the very least, clean out some of my casual acquaintances, or hide them from the news feed.

We’ll see... in the interim, I’m just going to enjoy having that part of my life back!

What i'm listening to:
Colour Me Free Lady
Joss Stone
Colour Me Free

Tuesday, January 26, 2010, 10:50 am

Revenge of the mouth breather

It’s been ages since a head cold has kicked my ass to the curb. I’d pay real money to relieve this pressure and breathe through my nose again.

And sick days. I don’t remember the last time I’ve taken more than one.

What is up with technology? Days like today, I fantasize about mentholatum coated straws that can be inserted up one’s nose... opening up the airway and creating relief at the same time. Maybe make the straws of a material that would dissolve in time as the nasal passage reopens on its own.

Brilliant! Hmmm... maybe I should patent that?

Of course, the highlight is that I’ve discovered Chuck. Since Saturday, I’ve conquered seasons one and two, and I’m one episode into season three. Entertaining show from Josh Schwartz that doesn’t have the “guilty pleasure” vibe that The OC and Gossip Girl provide.

And I’m amazed at the depth of the character played by Yvonne Strahovski... she totally nails mixing Sarah’s vulnerability with the stone cold killer and secret agent. Her emotional range from hot to cold and back again is chilling.

So real. Like so many of the girls in my life.

Plus, Sarah and Chuck’s chemistry and their relationship that is never meant to be might be the most riveting on screen rapport since the days Moonlighting was good.

If/when Chuck ends, she’ll have no problem finding work!

And, with four episodes left in my Chuck-a-thon... I’ll be caught up and find myself waiting for new episodes with the rest of the world. Kind of bittersweet, actually. There’s something to be said for watching shows on demand.

A friend has promised me I’ll love Veronica Mars, so if I’m still confined to the couch, maybe that’ll be my next move. I just hope to exorcise this damned cold before I’m hopelessly addicted to the television! I hate feeling like life is passing me by...

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